My Brain's Not Broken

Last year I wrote a post about wanting to know what the good things in life were. Not necessarily big-picture stuff or something life-changing, but moments that you look back on and think man, that was good. I had one of those moments this past weekend, and I’d like to share it with my readers because it affected me in an interesting way.

This past weekend I celebrated the engagement of my brother and his fiancé, two fantastic guys who have shown me a lot about what it means to be in a loving relationship. They came in from out of town, and we had family and friends over to celebrate their engagement. It was a wonderful day and I enjoyed myself.

But, as often is the case when I enjoy myself that much, I felt guilty once it was over. I felt guilty because, in my head, I didn’t deserve to feel that happy. One of the lies my brain tells me is that I don’t deserve the good things that happen to me. I’m not talking about a relationship or a promotion, but something as simple as being happy for one day. I feel like I’m not allowed to have a ‘good’ day unless I have a string of ‘bad’ days to balance them out (and yes, that is something I will need to work out in therapy).

With this mix of happiness and guilt swirling about, I felt confusion and anger toward myself. I felt like I was ruining another good moment and would not remember the good time I had, but the anxiety surrounding the event.

But then I remembered what my brother said right before people started to come over before the event. He said that everything could go wrong and it wouldn’t matter. Things could break, the food could burn – he didn’t care because he was with people that he loved and who loved him back.

Whether it’s biological or not, the concept of family is extremely important. Having people who are in your corner for every success and failure, who love you no matter what – that is a rare and beautiful thing to have in this life. Whether they’re family by choice or by blood, the result is the same, and it’s something worth celebrating.

I had a good moment in my life, and I will not let my anxiety ruin it. I’m going to lean on the people who love me to get through this moment and on to the next one. Because while I don’t always know what’s next for my mental health, I know who I have in my corner. And that helps me remember the good moments all the more.