anxiety

How My Depression Changed Over Time

Nathan Smith2 Comments

You know, it’s funny. You would think, after ten years of living with depression, of experiencing it on and off, I’d have a better understanding of it by now. Some days I feel like I do. I feel like I understand why I’m experiencing symptoms, or I know exactly what I can do to alleviate these symptoms and feel better. But other days, it’s like I’m dealing with depression for the first time. Maybe that sounds like I haven’t learned much about depression, but I’d disagree. For me, there’s a difference between learning about depression and learning about how to deal with my own depression — and that’s what I’d like to talk about today.

When I first learn about a new idea or concept, I love to take in as much information as I can. I don’t know if this is the most helpful way to learn, but it’s my instinct to cast a wide net. Early on in my journey with depression, I cast as wide of a net as I could. I read books, listened to podcasts, watched videos, and tried to glean as much as I possibly could about what it’s like to live with depression. And even though I learned a lot that was helpful, I was also overwhelmed with the amount of information and experiences that exists. Not all the information I learned worked for me, and I got frustrated quickly.

I’ve written about this on the blog before – when it comes to dealing with depression, what might work for me might not work for you, and so on and so forth. But this isn’t simply a message of finding what works for you. What’s gotten me frustrated lately is to see how my depression has changed and adapted to the changes in my life as I continue to move through it. The intrusive thoughts have changed course, attacking different areas of my mental health. The things I was insecure or anxious about at 20 years old aren’t the same things that exist today, and my brain knows that. The symptoms of depression may not change for people over the years but sometimes, it feels like they come from everchanging sources.

At some point in talking about depression, I realized I had to change my focus. Instead of learning as much about the topic as I could, I needed to learn more about myself. I needed to learn about my instincts, my habits, how I dealt with success and failure. I didn’t really know myself, and that lack of self-knowledge was a barrier to mental wellness.

That’s not to say any of this is easy; getting to know ourselves is a life-long journey. We’re constantly growing and changing, and so is the world around us. This is all to say that what’s true for us one day might not be true a few years down the road, and that’s okay. The better we come to know and understand ourselves, the better equipped we are to deal with the mental health challenges in our lives. I know that despite everything, I am better equipped to handle my depression than I did ten years ago, and that fact gives me strength for the present and hope for the future.

I’d love to hear from you on this topic! Do you think the way you experience mental health challenges changes over time? What tips or techniques have you done to help improve your own mental health? Let me know in the comments!

How I Misunderstood the Meaning of Rest

Nathan Smith3 Comments

It’s the wintertime, which means that we’re all tired, and the desire to do anything is as frozen as the weather. I often write about how challenging the wintertime can be for our mental health, and it happens every year. Like seasons, we go through our own cycles, reaching the same points across the calendar year. Even though January has become known as a time of resolutions and rebirth, I enjoy pushing back on that. To me, January is a time for rest. But despite feeling this way, I don’t think I’ve been going about it the right way. Reflecting on this has led me to a new way of thinking for how – and why – I need my rest.

Why do we rest? At first glance, this question has a simple answer: we need it to function. Rest has several benefits for our quality of life, for certain (sounds like a good idea for a future post!). But at the end of the day, humans need rest to be our best possible selves.

So, given that we all know how important rest is, why don’t we get enough of it? According to the results of the “Rest Test,” a survey completed by Durham University,

more than “two-thirds of the public would like more rest…the study also revealed that nearly a third of respondents said they need more rest than the average person, while 10 percent think they need less.”

Science Daily

This survey, which was completed by more than 18,000 people in 134 different countries, speaks volumes about our view of rest as a society. We need rest, and we’re not getting it.

Looking inward, I thought about why I rest. I know the benefits of rest. It improves my health (physical, mental, emotional, etc.); calms me down when I’m riddled with anxiety; and plays a vital role in my mental health toolkit. But here’s where I’ve been wrong in my thinking. Almost 100% of the time, I use rest as a tool. And while I think it’s a good tool, it shouldn’t only be used that way.

In fact, when I think about it, I’m often resting so that, when I’m done, I can immediately go do something else. This doesn’t foster a healthy relationship with rest, and it puts undue pressure on me. My rest needs to be “good” rest, otherwise I won’t be able to do what I want to do. I’m not resting for the sake of it, which can take away the power and benefits of doing it in the first place.

In this era of productivity and life-hacking, I’m concerned that rest often gets misappropriated. Why should I be looking to get the most out of resting my body? What’s the point of rushing through a process that restores my cognitive and physical health? What are we doing here?

I know a large part of this is because of the time of year. I’ve started to think of winter as my time of hibernation, and rest is key to that hibernation. But it’s an important thing to reflect on all year-round. As I move through the winter, I am hoping to reassess my relationship with rest – why I do it, how I do it, and what I’m trying to accomplish. In doing so, I hope that not only can I develop a healthier relationship with rest, but with myself.

I’d love to hear from you on this topic! How do you think we view rest in today’s world? Why do you think people aren’t getting the rest they need? Do you think you’re getting the rest you need?

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

One Foot in Front of the Other

Nathan Smith2 Comments

Time can be tricky to manage. Sometimes, it feels like time is moving at a snail’s pace. Other times, it feels like our life is moving faster than we can keep up with – weeks, months (even years!) might feel like they pass in the blink of an eye. Regardless of how it moves, my least favorite aspect of time is when I tend to lose track of it.

This fall, I celebrated six years of blogging. In fact, this is my 500th post on My Brain’s Not Broken – a number so high I can’t even process it at the moment (and no, I didn’t intend for this post to be number 500, but here we are!). At some point a few years ago, I got into the rhythm of writing two blog posts per week. It felt manageable, I had a lot to write about, and I felt like there was a ton of experience to pull from in writing my posts. But in the past few months, I started to feel pressure when it came to my blog, and it was a new experience for me.

I’ll be clear, though; all this pressure was internal. I don’t quite know when it happened but somewhere in the past few years, I started to feel the pressure I’d put on myself to churn out two blog posts every week. For all you creators out there – you know what it’s like to put out content because you’ve made a commitment and you told yourself you would do it. The goals I set for this blog are entirely internal and up to me to create and yet, I feel extreme pressure from myself all the time to live up to the expectations I set – even if those expectations aren’t always realistic.

This post is my way of trying to return to this space feeling a little fresher, a little more rested, and ready to get back into blogging. But in the spirit of honesty, that’s not entirely true. Sometimes, taking a break from something can give us the rest we need. But it can also become a source of anxiety and stress if we don’t know what our break is for or how long we’re doing it. When I take a break from something, that’s usually what happens.

Unfortunately, I am not returning to this space refreshed, or ready to tackle this project with a fresh sense of perspective. However, I am returning with a renewed purpose. Going forward, I might not be posting as much as I’d prefer. But I’ve determined that continuing to write, to continue sharing my story and the stories of others is ultimately more important than not posting at all. I’ve seen the power and strength that come when people speak up about mental health and mental illness, and it’s these moments that continue to fuel me.

However this journey continues for My Brain’s Not Broken, I am excited. I want to give myself the grace and understanding I give to others because we’re often kinder to other people than we are to ourselves. Even though mental health awareness has improved in many ways since I started this blog, people’s mental health and wellness are being tested in ways that I couldn’t imagine a decade ago. All I can do now, in this moment, is to keep moving at my own pace, deliberately, head held high, one foot in front of the other. And I hope that when you have these same moments when you feel like you have no more to give, you can find it in yourself to do the same.

“You simply have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Put blinders on and plow right ahead.” - George Lucas

Jumping From One Thought to Another

Nathan Smith2 Comments

One aspect of mental health that I think is fascinating is the idea of high-functioning mental illness. I’ve written posts about high-functioning anxiety and high-functioning depression and even though I’ve learned a lot about both over the years, there is still so much to learn. Lately, I’ve thought a lot about how my brain works when I’m experiencing high-functioning anxiety – the way I race to get things done, the pressure I put on myself to finish things by the arbitrary (often unrealistic) deadlines I’ve set. Today, I want to reflect on why it can sometimes be challenging to race from one thing to another all the time.

Continue reading →

A Busy, Busy, Busy Mind

Nathan SmithLeave a comment

As someone who lives with anxiety, my brain often feels like it’s moving a million miles per hour. I think we all feel this way at one time or another; we have so many things to do, and it doesn’t seem like there’s enough time to do it all. I’ve noticed the themes of relaxing and slowing down on my posts in recent months, and I think that’s a response to my current state of being. I always deal with the challenge of a busy mind from time to time but lately, I feel like it’s a daily struggle. Why is my brain trying to do everything, everywhere, all at once? And what can I do about it?

Continue reading →

Summertime and the Living is…Busy

Nathan Smith1 Comment

It feels like I write a version of the same post every year. I don’t intend to write this post, and I don’t even know how I get to the point I do. But at some point during the summer, I take a moment, I look around, and I take in just how busy I am.

Oh, you thought I’d say how calm everything was at the moment? That after writing about the importance of slowing down, I’d be able to have create more time for myself? Though I have been able to create some time for myself and been able to spend time with people I love, my life feels anything but calm.

Continue reading →

My Brain’s Not Broken Song of the Month – Don’t Matter Now

Nathan SmithLeave a comment

I love music. I love listening to it, having it on in the background, seeing it live, popping on a record. I love the way music can make me feel any and every emotion there is, sometimes without even trying. Most importantly, I love music because of the way it impacts my mental health.

That’s why, each month on My Brain’s Not Broken, I’m going to share a song with you. It might be a song I can’t stop listening to at the moment, or a song I have a history with. It could be a song I don’t know much about, or I’ve listened to a thousand times. Regardless of the reason, these songs have inspired me and my mental health, and I want to share them with you. Whether you’ve heard of them or not, I hope these songs give you more insight into my world and my approach to mental health.

Continue reading →

More Overwhelmed Than I Used to Be

Nathan SmithLeave a comment

It feels like it happens more often than it used to these days. I’ll be trying to finish a task or make a decision, and my brain will freeze up. I’ll get panicked, and I won’t be able to complete the task I started (if I can even remember it in the first place). I lose my breath, lose focus, lose my grip on whatever I was doing. This feeling I get, the feeling of becoming overwhelmed, has become more of a problem for me in recent years. In today’s post, I want to try and figure out why.

Continue reading →

Five Ways We Can Better Understand Our Mental Health Symptoms

Nathan SmithLeave a comment

Earlier this week on the blog, I wrote about understanding symptoms. When it comes to mental illness, many symptoms are easy to see or understand. However, many symptoms also feel impossible to see in ourselves or others. A symptom of depression for one person might not exist for someone else, but both of these people could experience depression. Mental health is complex, and understanding our symptoms (however they look) is a big step on the path toward mental wellness. Today, I want to look at five ways we can work toward better understanding our symptoms.

Do your research – but take it with a grain of salt

Before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s be honest. The Internet is a big place, and not everything you find here is going to be helpful. The more that mental health has worked its way into mainstream conversation, the more likely there will be disinformation or misinformation about it. On the flip side, researching depression and anxiety on my own terms has been one of the most helpful ways of understanding my diagnoses. Researching symptoms is a good way to understand things more, but it’s important to take everything you read with a grain of salt until you talk with a professional. Which leads me to the second point…

Talk with a mental health professional

If you’re experiencing symptoms where your physical health is impacted, you see a doctor. Why would it be any different for mental health? Talking to a mental health professional is a good first step to get the help you need. And if you think that means immediately seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, that’s not always the case. There are many types of mental health professionals who can provide valuable insight, and reaching out to someone you feel comfortable talking with is the most important criteria.

Understand mental symptoms and physical symptoms

As I mentioned in my post earlier this week, symptoms of mental illness can manifest themselves mentally and physically. It took time, but I’ve learned the difference between mental and physical symptoms. I’ve learned to recognize symptoms within myself, and figure out if my symptoms are recurring. It’s important to understand what these symptoms are, but it’s more important to know what they are for you. Understanding how my symptoms impact me is one of the most valuable things I’ve learned when it comes to mental health.

Know the difference between acute and chronic illness

For a long time, my symptoms came and went without any further understanding and introspection about them. Learning the difference between acute symptoms and chronic conditions has been very helpful for my long-term mental health. According to the National Council on Aging, acute illnesses “generally develop suddenly and last a short time, often only a few days or weeks,” while chronic conditions “develop slowly and may worse over an extended period of time – months to years.” Once I could start defining my symptoms as acute or chronic, I could better learn how to deal with them.

Take things day by day

This last bit of advice sounds a little cliche but it’s something I come back to time and again. For a long time, my only reaction to a new aspect of my depression and anxiety was fear. I was afraid of learning about new symptoms because I assumed I’d have to deal with them every single day. I’ve since learned that this isn’t the case; a symptom that might be challenging one day might not show up the next. Learning to take things as they come has taught me a lot not only about my mental illnesses, but also about myself. Every day brings new lessons on dealing with depression and anxiety. In my experience, the best way this happens is when you slow down and take things day by day.

Now I want to hear from you! What is a bit of advice you have for someone who is learning about symptoms of mental illness? Let me know in the comments!

"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." - Aldous Huxley

Another Chance to Start Fresh

Nathan SmithLeave a comment

After my (in my opinion) grumpy post about how challenging the month of February is, I’d like to try a different approach today. I’m glad I’ve admitted that the winter is a difficult season for me; doing so has helped shift the way I manage my mental health this time of year. While it hasn’t solved my problems, I’m glad that I’m more aware of what I’m up against.

Make no mistake, I still have my bad days – and during the winter, it feels like they happen constantly. But this awareness helps me appreciate the good days, the good moments where I don’t feel anxious or depressed. Moments where I feel like myself. And it’s those moments I want to build on, ones I want to experience more and have around more often.

At the start of a new month, I often think about my goals and things I want to do. Sometimes, these goals feel like the same old, same old: I want to read more, write more, meditate more, journal more. I want to have fun experiences and do interesting things. I constantly think about what I want to do but it wasn’t until thinking about this post that I realized something. I think often about what I want to do but in this context, I rarely think about who I want to be.

I’ll admit, this type of thinking is challenging for me. My instincts are often to act; when I see a problem I want to find a solution and do it as quickly as possible. It’s not the worst trait in the world, but it can often put me in situations that are more complicated than they need to be. If I don’t actively work to slow myself down, I’ll rush into something. These things usually aren’t the end of the world (my anxiety would disagree), but it happens enough that once I recognized it, it wasn’t something I could ignore.

I want to reflect on who I want to be, how I want to be, this month. I want to think about who I am in this time of my life, and how I want to move through this specific time. That doesn’t have to mean anything has to change from what I’d normally do – in fact, it’s possible nothing will change. But I’m not looking to change my actions; I’m looking to change my attitude surrounding those actions. I want to get a better sense of who I am and why I do what I do, and it starts with reflection.

I’m trying to build on my mental health on a month-to-month basis. Every month brings new challenges, new highs and new lows. But it’s also a chance. A chance to get to know myself better. A chance to learn from myself, and those around me. And regardless of how it turns out, I’m going to be grateful. Because when next month rolls around, I’ll be able to start fresh and try again.

Building on momentum isn’t as easy as it sounds, believe me! How do you get yourself motivated for the month ahead? Let me know in the comments!

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting." - Bernard Meltzer